The Approval Addiction

Self worth is something you have to own it to feel it. Sure, you can feel good when you receive approval but on the other end of the scale you will feel terrible when you are disapproved of.

Judging yourself, your achievements and your failures on what someone else says will never allow you to be in control of your life, you constantly run the risk of emotional deflation at any moment.

You have to feel your own worth in order to enjoy it. People can make you happy, sad, angry, feel stupid. You also can make yourself feel like this.

Learn to be happy inside so that when life throws you a curve ball you won't be totally thrown off. People are HUMAN - products of an environment that can be unfair & unjust, you don't know what people have gone through and why they behave the way they do, but you do know what you have gone through and why you behave the way that you do.

Take a look inside and decide to feel beautiful and successful, then when a mistake that you inevitably will make (as everyone will) won't be the end of the world.

So In Love With The Wrong World

I find it hard to take the world seriously because of myself, the obvious factor of serious things being treated like there nothing, andd nothing gets treated like its serious, i find it hard to try and take things seriously because its important. i can see how things should be and how to make them that way yet constantly focus on the things i shouldn't be which leaves me exasperated, feeling this way and writing depressing whingey things that could be avoided.

I think I am smarter than what alot of people expect yet I cant strive and want the important things in life when i have found those who have these things almost always come up disappointing to me, especially when i am made to feel they are superior, more intelligent than myself, I lose respect for it espeecially if someone lacks the things I find important.

This attitude is my downfall, annoyed at authority/success/reccognition for being the way it is, I do not respect human nature that lacks kindness, honesty, respect - once I feel like someone is important respected and succesfull without these traits i really dont care to prove to them, myself or others that i can do it too, just wont care period ,then contradict myself by wanting more.

Trepidation has grown in strength over the years after many failures, lost goals, and set backs. I've become jaded and accepting of a cycle that obviously is the longest road to no where. I am terrified that I'm not cut out for being an adult, I care to much about what everyone doesn't and because no one else does It makes me care even less about fitting in and being a normal adult if it means not being who I am. I hope I'm exactly how I am supposed to be and all of this was the experiences where a part of what needed to happened to get to where I'm going to be.

At the end of the day its me who makes it like this by not being mature enough to make the decisions that will put things into action, it means changing me, I can never stay focused on myself without getting distracted and now I've winded up dejected and at a loss for not knowing what I want but knowing its not this. Bad Ashleigh.

Tell Someone Who Cares You Annoying Emo

I think I'm justified in what I say
Serving vengeance a normal part of everyday
I scream at you, cause you did this
Keep on swinging until I miss

We began to not care that we said never again
Learnt to cope with ours by inflicting on each other pain
Resenting each other for feeling this way
Gave up on solution, repeat this everyday


Back & fourth we play this game
Moving further from it ever been the same
We know each other and how to provoke
Angry at this relationship joke



Insecure baby boys jealous of there friends new toys,
Tie me up and cut my hair
Cause this is it we will declare
Scream and fight for hours on end
Knowing that showing normal is impossible to pretend


Two shrivelled jealous black hearts
Pulling each other
While trying to be apart
We can't ignore what we know is true
That we're bad together but we're harder to undo!

A spanner in the mechanics of life
Seek personal fortune, others to have strife
Surrounded by oblivious that will not stop
Only thing that matters is to get on top

I know that one day there will be nothing left to break
That all of this will not return what you did take
Like a captor that is bored of there prey
Finish the kill? Or let them get away

But what if you get to be happier than me?

Then certainly not, no one gets free!
!

Can Someone Remind Me How It Felt Before

Where's the silver lining if everything is grey

The Lonely Stoner Seems To Free His Mind At Night

Do you keep it shut?
No-one wants to hear this
Maybe they already knew
and its you whose behind
or possibly its not apparent just yet
Wondering what you'd rather, not to know?
it was better before even if it was a lie?
knowing doesn't fix it
Finding out you have cancer won't cure it
Knowing it can be fixed doesn't make it less broken
Pointless
Dismal
The biggest achievement
if you get there
is to continue
despite that you lost something that you never had
excitement was not in part with said enlightenment


Blackened lightness when hearing laughter, irritation that life now seems formatted to before and after
Good things you considered that we were
obviously not, because of you because of her

No place for this to turn nothing really left to say
for no matter what forever it went this way.

Dedicated to truth
YOU FUCKING CLICHE

Existential Releif

I was given a comprehension assignment to look over, the passages were about technology like emails, mobile phones, the Internet etc.. a passage that stood out to me was as following

"If you live alone, if you suffer at times from an anxiety that you might not exist, email tempts you to behave neurotically- to pour into its appalling infiniteness a cataract, a hemorrhage of words, bottomless, boundary less. What feels like existential relief is in fact psychologically shallow, a dreadful meaningless leakage of self"

How true do you thing this is..?

I blog as do many other people..

Why don't we just type our 'blogs' onto a word document & save it for our own eyes.. why do we publish it online.. its not as if anyone but treason reads my posts..and its interesting to have a comment on the blog.. means someone read it.. why does this matter to us?

We are all just big babies starved of attention is my conclusion.. no I don't really mean that. I like the blogging.. it does feel good.. but I suppose alot of people have the same view as the author of the above paragraph.

ARRGHHHHHHHHHHHH

My long weekend was extremely uneventful as usual considering I am broke as a joke.

Being a student certainly involves some personal sacrifices...especially when I have been used to a full time job lifestyle since I was 17! I stayed in the whole weekend.. yawn

I am bored..so totally bored... call me superficial but no I do not find fulfillment in things that are free.. and whoever says they do obviously have the luxury of doing things that cost money in between life's free pleasures...there needs to be a balance so one can appreciate the other...since September 2008 it has been very lopsided when it comes to experiencing things.. I wanted to go see gyroscope-fail due to lack of funds... I want to have a night out... it has been soo long... although i am almost positive that once I am out I will complain to myself at how much I hate nightlife and the peoples behaviours around me..so what... never said I wanted to go out and love it... just a change in my mundane existence of late..

I'm heading into the city tonight to get some information on kids school holiday camps.they need volunteers for intellectually disabled children 6-18 years old to assist in activities over the school holidays.. I'm going to check it out as it's something new..

I am stressing about my exam results..massively... there was a source interpretation in my history exam that I had no idea who the cartoon was.. I assumed it was Stalin riding the peasants back as a depiction of his takeover of the Bolsheviks due to Lenin's death...I guessed all this because there was a headstone in the back round with the letter 'V' on it which i assumed stood for Vladimir which is Lenin's real name- i guessed it was about collectivisation & the 5 yr plan... o god... if it is not though- i have pretty much crapped on my exam paper about something that has nothing to do with the question...

If I fail this I will be pissed.. I have been so focused.. and so I should be... this is what I left the workforce to do & there is no excuses for me to fail..

I know they say you should try your best and that's what matters... that is a load of bullshit you say to primary school kids who aren't good at sports. In the real world of 'adult' life you either succeed or you don't, if it was all about giving it your best shot would you feel comfortable in letting a 15 year old biology student perform heart surgery on you as long as they were trying there best..? NO? I didn't think so....

Wow..accidental angry blog... this is why I rarely get in discussions... my natural passion usually scares people and sometimes I'm only emphasising sarcastic terms to prove a point and also to be humorous but generally it intimidates...