Yes.

I've had massive 'writers block',,,(if i could call myself one) but like the usual flow I had isn't there..not that I've nothing to say..just so much that is best left to rest..

Happily listening to lisa mitchells album.

I was accepted into 2 separate uni courses. Last year I went to college as mature aged student (makes me sound ancient) and passed t.e.e, originally I'd planned on uni but I don't see myself committing to 4 yrs of f/t study-ie-living at home on f all money!! no thanks, I now have the certificate to prove I'm not a dumb Blonde..sometimes :p

Anyways.. I'm super excited about June cause I'm starting my job up north in Coral Bay.. Its just on the horizon- and adventure escape :D

I'm 22, I don't have a clue what I want to do with my life and I'm fine with that. I can feel something good, an excitement I haven't felt in a while and it feels so fucking good.

& She Lived Happily Ever After~

it would of been the right thing to know when it happened so that i could of made the decision. not be lied too.

but it was kept from me.

and knowing this last year would have certainly meant i wouldn't of failed at that caertain attempt.

finding out on sunday, 4 days ago, is shattering.

it would of been any time to hear such a thing.

i cant eat and its hard for me to catch my breath.

my worst fear which i now realise was my overwhelming sense of intuition that made me sick, it was coz it was what actaully happened.

I feel liberated in a way now that it is all after 3 years of back and fourth out in the open and i feel i have closure.

Now that I can see you for what you are its not hard to mourn the loss of what I thought was love.

Im happy cause I know that means I havent met the one yet, it certainly wasn't you.

:) xxx

You Think You Can Fit Me In That Annorexic Space Between Love & Hate?

I think you are given certain opportunities, windows in life, to make it happen.
With a relationship for example... when your 18 you think your in love & it ends.
When your 21 and you've given it another shot with another partner and it ends.
Its hard not to be jaded.

I wonder if unless you have been lucky enough to experience true love, honesty and fidelity within your first relationship or second that if it does not succeed have you missed the optimistic happy outlook and are doomed to be forever jaded and not believe in the real thing should you come across it?

I don't see how you can truly take the plunge ever again without your reservations..
Is it better to have loved and lost than to not love at all?

I think its better to not have loved and believe it can happen one day, cause now when i look around I do not believe in monogamy or fidelity.
It sets you up for disappointment.

Love life, experience life and live it, just don't look for fairytale endings
.. they'll be the end of you.

The Approval Addiction

Self worth is something you have to own it to feel it. Sure, you can feel good when you receive approval but on the other end of the scale you will feel terrible when you are disapproved of.

Judging yourself, your achievements and your failures on what someone else says will never allow you to be in control of your life, you constantly run the risk of emotional deflation at any moment.

You have to feel your own worth in order to enjoy it. People can make you happy, sad, angry, feel stupid. You also can make yourself feel like this.

Learn to be happy inside so that when life throws you a curve ball you won't be totally thrown off. People are HUMAN - products of an environment that can be unfair & unjust, you don't know what people have gone through and why they behave the way they do, but you do know what you have gone through and why you behave the way that you do.

Take a look inside and decide to feel beautiful and successful, then when a mistake that you inevitably will make (as everyone will) won't be the end of the world.

So In Love With The Wrong World

I find it hard to take the world seriously because of myself, the obvious factor of serious things being treated like there nothing, andd nothing gets treated like its serious, i find it hard to try and take things seriously because its important. i can see how things should be and how to make them that way yet constantly focus on the things i shouldn't be which leaves me exasperated, feeling this way and writing depressing whingey things that could be avoided.

I think I am smarter than what alot of people expect yet I cant strive and want the important things in life when i have found those who have these things almost always come up disappointing to me, especially when i am made to feel they are superior, more intelligent than myself, I lose respect for it espeecially if someone lacks the things I find important.

This attitude is my downfall, annoyed at authority/success/reccognition for being the way it is, I do not respect human nature that lacks kindness, honesty, respect - once I feel like someone is important respected and succesfull without these traits i really dont care to prove to them, myself or others that i can do it too, just wont care period ,then contradict myself by wanting more.

Trepidation has grown in strength over the years after many failures, lost goals, and set backs. I've become jaded and accepting of a cycle that obviously is the longest road to no where. I am terrified that I'm not cut out for being an adult, I care to much about what everyone doesn't and because no one else does It makes me care even less about fitting in and being a normal adult if it means not being who I am. I hope I'm exactly how I am supposed to be and all of this was the experiences where a part of what needed to happened to get to where I'm going to be.

At the end of the day its me who makes it like this by not being mature enough to make the decisions that will put things into action, it means changing me, I can never stay focused on myself without getting distracted and now I've winded up dejected and at a loss for not knowing what I want but knowing its not this. Bad Ashleigh.

Tell Someone Who Cares You Annoying Emo

I think I'm justified in what I say
Serving vengeance a normal part of everyday
I scream at you, cause you did this
Keep on swinging until I miss

We began to not care that we said never again
Learnt to cope with ours by inflicting on each other pain
Resenting each other for feeling this way
Gave up on solution, repeat this everyday


Back & fourth we play this game
Moving further from it ever been the same
We know each other and how to provoke
Angry at this relationship joke



Insecure baby boys jealous of there friends new toys,
Tie me up and cut my hair
Cause this is it we will declare
Scream and fight for hours on end
Knowing that showing normal is impossible to pretend


Two shrivelled jealous black hearts
Pulling each other
While trying to be apart
We can't ignore what we know is true
That we're bad together but we're harder to undo!

A spanner in the mechanics of life
Seek personal fortune, others to have strife
Surrounded by oblivious that will not stop
Only thing that matters is to get on top

I know that one day there will be nothing left to break
That all of this will not return what you did take
Like a captor that is bored of there prey
Finish the kill? Or let them get away

But what if you get to be happier than me?

Then certainly not, no one gets free!
!

Can Someone Remind Me How It Felt Before

Where's the silver lining if everything is grey