Never Turn Your Back On The Ocean.

I had the nicest swim at Scarborough beach today, alas..my prada sunglasses are still having the nicest swim ie; a wave crashed on my head and when i came to surface..my sunglasses did not.

-Bye Bye $420. My weekend was pretty good, I had a 21st of a school friend whom I hadn't seen in a while..ALOT of old friends were there..it was good to see everybody again.. This is the year of the 21st birthday party..I have had one the last 3 weekends in a row an the next 2 weekends to come..YEEEEEW.

So some of my girlfriends were in leedy..I have like 3 missed calls when i check my phone and 4 msgs along the lines of "come now need your help.." I tried calling to see what the problem was and couldn't get a hold of anyone so left the party with my friends to make our way to leedy...now the party was at Athena soccer club in Leederville so at the opposite end of leederville basically.. We decided to walk to oxford st and try to get a taxi rather than wait for one (at this stage i am trying to get there a.s.a.p-thought my girls had been in a fight or something)

After like 800 mtrs in my $250 boots we come to a fence..2 and a half mtrs tall with 3 rows of barbed wire ..My friend somehow slid underneath this fence so i tried the same but some certain aspects of myself did not fit..so I didn't want to rip my pretty new dress climbing over the fence..I did what any respectable women would do..I took off my dress & climbed over in my under ware.. I'd love to have known what it looked like to someone driving past..quiet a site I should imagine..

Eventually after some fence climbing & bush walking (britannia oval is huge, okay!?) we get to Leederville...the emergency... My friend had lost her bag..

Okay..I can appreciate the nuisance of the situation..but making a mayday call with msgs to follow..knowing I'm the friend that I am..that I would come running..so I left the 21st with my mates to come along because I said I needed to help out a friend to arrive and find it's nothing much..

The next day I confronted her when she was sober to tell her how I scaled fences and oceans (okay not oceans) to get to her & it just be a ridiculous thing that didn't need me there at all.. It just is another nail in the coffin of my social life that is telling me to seek elsewhere.. The stupid drama's.. I can't put into words how little respect I have for some people in my life..

If you don't have respect for someone what do you have for them..? I want people in my life to inspire me, motivate me..

Cause Now That I Can See You, I Don't Think You're Worth A Second Glance.

"Disconnect myself from your memory & never feel anything at all.."

In conclusion to my previous blog..I have an empty pit in my stomach from him again...the kind where it hurts to breath & your throat is numb and you feel queasy...

So after what I said yesterday I decided to confront him & lay it all out - if we're going to do this, I want no lies, nothing that is going to surface in a few months time whilst I'm living my life that is going to floor me...

Everything came out.

"Keep straight ahead & keep my pace..don't think about nothing & it'll be alright.."

...I can't complain about this..It is my own risk I was prepared to take..Thank goodness for my gut instinct, It has never failed me whereas my heart seems to lead me into these sticky situations leaving my stomach churning..stressing myself to the point of illness whilst telling myself all if well..


My heart & OUR relationship was not for him to decide. I should have known all the facts & it be left up to me to decide what to do..how dare he (it's not like I didn't know he had this in him..it's not the first or second or third time he's lied to me) stand there and cry & say he loves me.

I loved your charade. I loved the person you pretended to be in front of me.

The saddest thing is..you have so many different versions of yourself that the truthful one of who you are is the one that stood in front of me shaking & crying & begging...

I didn't ask to be your mountain.. I wasn't yours to conquer..

"Don't look back in anger, now is all that you can say...cause angers all I got to keep me warm while your away...& all your words & all your actions don't mean anything to me...cause I've cut you off...."

It really is baffling to me that after the conclusion I came to yesterday & spoke about, it all comes crumbling down around me within that day..it is almost like a soap opera.

Turn your heart ache into something worth while..rise above your struggles & turn it into a story..

I am a believer in signs & this to me is just another one that is kind of a nice peaceful thought for me that I am usually right when I read someone..I guess my capacity & belief that everyone deserves a second chance will always stand..everyone does..but at this stage..this was your final show for me..curtain call...you reached out cause you knew I would listen & the fact of this matter is that's how you play your game.

I am not your game..& never will I be...

ONESTA' means honesty in Italian- you got the tattoo on your arm because you cheated on me there...but then I find there is more...Most people where there heart on there sleeve whereas your heart is broken..on your sleeve...right next to a permanent reminder for the rest of your life as to why I am not yours...

"Here we stand & face each other we've got nothing to say...A fight back in another time where silence was a welcome friend... I'm sorry I can't really say, all the things going on inside my head, silence is a justified expression of my war..now nothings like it was before"

"Swing For The Fences Son.." He Must of Told You Once?

If you love something, set it free & if it comes back to you it's yours...?

I've just come out of a major family discussion- basically they want me home before 11pm Sunday through Thursday.. I get where there coming from but I believe it's because they have the wrong idea of me..I'm not out partying..I'm not doing drugs..I'm not sleeping with 7 different men each week...the men should be so lucky baha.

I have a very opinionated family..therefore everybody believes they are right and there way is the only way...I try explaining your view matters to you- it does not make it right- it does not make it wrong- it is your opinion...I got scorned for comparing my fathers view to Hitlers view- "Just because Hitler believed Jews should be killed he was right.." Now don't get me wrong..I'm not insane- basically what I was trying to get across is that even when you are so obviously out of line or wrong to others - if you believe it- it is right to you...

I am back with a man that did not treat me right at all..he cheated on me, degraded me, disrespected me..talked shit about me to his mates..the final straw for me was finding him at his friends 15hrs after he was supposed to meet me in leederville at a house surrounded by topless skimpies- on a Sunday afternoon... And you're thinking what the fuck are you doing back with this person..? Well...he has had an interesting life to say the least..i fully see the potential in him & know he has a good heart..( i can see everyone rolling there eyes at this cliche' story) He has never been given direction or discipline and when it comes down to it he does not know better.. He wants to change & I think he can.. My family & friends think I'm nuts or just a masochist..I know what I know & have seen this from ways no one has or could understand.. Loving someone to me..is not about when it's all good & fun..it's sticking by them through thick & thin & helping if you can..I'm not a retard..I know a lost cause when I see one..There is hope & I will not turn my back on a friend. I can handle pain...I believe life doesn't dish out anything we cannot handle..I can handle.

I moved out of home when I was 16...to a small town down south to move into a home with my first boyfriend whom was 7 yrs my Senior...After a yr I packed my things and drove home..It was an awful lonely time in my life but I learnt alot..I know not to believe the things I used to & that is why I know what I am doing..I suppose I am trying to get this out because it is the worst feeling when the people sitting in front of you do not understand you or where you're coming from..I'm disappointed to say that this is the story of most of my relationships..I used to constantly doubt myself & sometimes wonder if the world is seeing things through different eyes to mine..?

How often when you're doing something or going through something do you realise it for what it is...I say- whilst growing up & learning..you rarely do at the time & it takes a while to sink in an see something for what it is.

I set him free...tried to get on with my life..started another dysfunctional relationship...walked out of my job & then almost died..I seem to have a few hurdles in my way but it's nothing I can't handle. I know I'm destined for big things.. I can handle humiliation..I don't care what people think of me now because I am me, I'm rare & once day everything will be okay..until then I am enjoying this roller coaster of a life I sometimes am ashamed to call my own..

He somehow is still around and still pops out & it is a sign that I need to help him..I am not some psycho who See's it as a fun makeover project.. We seem to come across each other..he can open up with me & I am the only one who he seems to listen too...I don't want him to spiral out of sight into the life of drugs & alcohol & be a "he had so much potential" story...

It is better to burn out than to fade away. Isn't it?

Blah.

Happy new year..

It's to hard today to put into words the events of the past week & a half..

I will write in time when I've come to some conclusions...

Too much angry babble will ensue if I try now.