You Think You Can Fit Me In That Annorexic Space Between Love & Hate?

I think you are given certain opportunities, windows in life, to make it happen.
With a relationship for example... when your 18 you think your in love & it ends.
When your 21 and you've given it another shot with another partner and it ends.
Its hard not to be jaded.

I wonder if unless you have been lucky enough to experience true love, honesty and fidelity within your first relationship or second that if it does not succeed have you missed the optimistic happy outlook and are doomed to be forever jaded and not believe in the real thing should you come across it?

I don't see how you can truly take the plunge ever again without your reservations..
Is it better to have loved and lost than to not love at all?

I think its better to not have loved and believe it can happen one day, cause now when i look around I do not believe in monogamy or fidelity.
It sets you up for disappointment.

Love life, experience life and live it, just don't look for fairytale endings
.. they'll be the end of you.

The Approval Addiction

Self worth is something you have to own it to feel it. Sure, you can feel good when you receive approval but on the other end of the scale you will feel terrible when you are disapproved of.

Judging yourself, your achievements and your failures on what someone else says will never allow you to be in control of your life, you constantly run the risk of emotional deflation at any moment.

You have to feel your own worth in order to enjoy it. People can make you happy, sad, angry, feel stupid. You also can make yourself feel like this.

Learn to be happy inside so that when life throws you a curve ball you won't be totally thrown off. People are HUMAN - products of an environment that can be unfair & unjust, you don't know what people have gone through and why they behave the way they do, but you do know what you have gone through and why you behave the way that you do.

Take a look inside and decide to feel beautiful and successful, then when a mistake that you inevitably will make (as everyone will) won't be the end of the world.

So In Love With The Wrong World

I find it hard to take the world seriously because of myself, the obvious factor of serious things being treated like there nothing, andd nothing gets treated like its serious, i find it hard to try and take things seriously because its important. i can see how things should be and how to make them that way yet constantly focus on the things i shouldn't be which leaves me exasperated, feeling this way and writing depressing whingey things that could be avoided.

I think I am smarter than what alot of people expect yet I cant strive and want the important things in life when i have found those who have these things almost always come up disappointing to me, especially when i am made to feel they are superior, more intelligent than myself, I lose respect for it espeecially if someone lacks the things I find important.

This attitude is my downfall, annoyed at authority/success/reccognition for being the way it is, I do not respect human nature that lacks kindness, honesty, respect - once I feel like someone is important respected and succesfull without these traits i really dont care to prove to them, myself or others that i can do it too, just wont care period ,then contradict myself by wanting more.

Trepidation has grown in strength over the years after many failures, lost goals, and set backs. I've become jaded and accepting of a cycle that obviously is the longest road to no where. I am terrified that I'm not cut out for being an adult, I care to much about what everyone doesn't and because no one else does It makes me care even less about fitting in and being a normal adult if it means not being who I am. I hope I'm exactly how I am supposed to be and all of this was the experiences where a part of what needed to happened to get to where I'm going to be.

At the end of the day its me who makes it like this by not being mature enough to make the decisions that will put things into action, it means changing me, I can never stay focused on myself without getting distracted and now I've winded up dejected and at a loss for not knowing what I want but knowing its not this. Bad Ashleigh.

Tell Someone Who Cares You Annoying Emo

I think I'm justified in what I say
Serving vengeance a normal part of everyday
I scream at you, cause you did this
Keep on swinging until I miss

We began to not care that we said never again
Learnt to cope with ours by inflicting on each other pain
Resenting each other for feeling this way
Gave up on solution, repeat this everyday


Back & fourth we play this game
Moving further from it ever been the same
We know each other and how to provoke
Angry at this relationship joke



Insecure baby boys jealous of there friends new toys,
Tie me up and cut my hair
Cause this is it we will declare
Scream and fight for hours on end
Knowing that showing normal is impossible to pretend


Two shrivelled jealous black hearts
Pulling each other
While trying to be apart
We can't ignore what we know is true
That we're bad together but we're harder to undo!

A spanner in the mechanics of life
Seek personal fortune, others to have strife
Surrounded by oblivious that will not stop
Only thing that matters is to get on top

I know that one day there will be nothing left to break
That all of this will not return what you did take
Like a captor that is bored of there prey
Finish the kill? Or let them get away

But what if you get to be happier than me?

Then certainly not, no one gets free!
!

Can Someone Remind Me How It Felt Before

Where's the silver lining if everything is grey

The Lonely Stoner Seems To Free His Mind At Night

Do you keep it shut?
No-one wants to hear this
Maybe they already knew
and its you whose behind
or possibly its not apparent just yet
Wondering what you'd rather, not to know?
it was better before even if it was a lie?
knowing doesn't fix it
Finding out you have cancer won't cure it
Knowing it can be fixed doesn't make it less broken
Pointless
Dismal
The biggest achievement
if you get there
is to continue
despite that you lost something that you never had
excitement was not in part with said enlightenment


Blackened lightness when hearing laughter, irritation that life now seems formatted to before and after
Good things you considered that we were
obviously not, because of you because of her

No place for this to turn nothing really left to say
for no matter what forever it went this way.

Dedicated to truth
YOU FUCKING CLICHE

Existential Releif

I was given a comprehension assignment to look over, the passages were about technology like emails, mobile phones, the Internet etc.. a passage that stood out to me was as following

"If you live alone, if you suffer at times from an anxiety that you might not exist, email tempts you to behave neurotically- to pour into its appalling infiniteness a cataract, a hemorrhage of words, bottomless, boundary less. What feels like existential relief is in fact psychologically shallow, a dreadful meaningless leakage of self"

How true do you thing this is..?

I blog as do many other people..

Why don't we just type our 'blogs' onto a word document & save it for our own eyes.. why do we publish it online.. its not as if anyone but treason reads my posts..and its interesting to have a comment on the blog.. means someone read it.. why does this matter to us?

We are all just big babies starved of attention is my conclusion.. no I don't really mean that. I like the blogging.. it does feel good.. but I suppose alot of people have the same view as the author of the above paragraph.

ARRGHHHHHHHHHHHH

My long weekend was extremely uneventful as usual considering I am broke as a joke.

Being a student certainly involves some personal sacrifices...especially when I have been used to a full time job lifestyle since I was 17! I stayed in the whole weekend.. yawn

I am bored..so totally bored... call me superficial but no I do not find fulfillment in things that are free.. and whoever says they do obviously have the luxury of doing things that cost money in between life's free pleasures...there needs to be a balance so one can appreciate the other...since September 2008 it has been very lopsided when it comes to experiencing things.. I wanted to go see gyroscope-fail due to lack of funds... I want to have a night out... it has been soo long... although i am almost positive that once I am out I will complain to myself at how much I hate nightlife and the peoples behaviours around me..so what... never said I wanted to go out and love it... just a change in my mundane existence of late..

I'm heading into the city tonight to get some information on kids school holiday camps.they need volunteers for intellectually disabled children 6-18 years old to assist in activities over the school holidays.. I'm going to check it out as it's something new..

I am stressing about my exam results..massively... there was a source interpretation in my history exam that I had no idea who the cartoon was.. I assumed it was Stalin riding the peasants back as a depiction of his takeover of the Bolsheviks due to Lenin's death...I guessed all this because there was a headstone in the back round with the letter 'V' on it which i assumed stood for Vladimir which is Lenin's real name- i guessed it was about collectivisation & the 5 yr plan... o god... if it is not though- i have pretty much crapped on my exam paper about something that has nothing to do with the question...

If I fail this I will be pissed.. I have been so focused.. and so I should be... this is what I left the workforce to do & there is no excuses for me to fail..

I know they say you should try your best and that's what matters... that is a load of bullshit you say to primary school kids who aren't good at sports. In the real world of 'adult' life you either succeed or you don't, if it was all about giving it your best shot would you feel comfortable in letting a 15 year old biology student perform heart surgery on you as long as they were trying there best..? NO? I didn't think so....

Wow..accidental angry blog... this is why I rarely get in discussions... my natural passion usually scares people and sometimes I'm only emphasising sarcastic terms to prove a point and also to be humorous but generally it intimidates...

Committing TREASON

I love that blogs are like an online diary that you can express yourself in a way perhaps not many people see and what you don't want people to see..

It is inevitable that this is going to include some whinging, wining & drama.

It's healthy to get things out in the open & for me this is as out in the open as I like to get. I have had to much drama & many thoughts/feelings to follow.

I am not a drama queen & I hate the stigma that drama queens have produced that if a girl is upset or going through something that it is for attention.

People should just not butt in unless invited. So what if my blog is an emo roller coaster of self righteousness.

The beauty of the internet is disguise. Anonomy. I like that a site like this enables people to express themselves and observe on things without copping flack. As do many, that is why almost no-one has there really name on the blogs that are about what they're really thinking, we like to all think we don't give a shit about what others think but c'mon... why even say that sentence if you don't... you're obviously saying it because u care that people are saying or acting a certain way so reaction is to "not care"

It's OK to care about what people think of you, otherwise you'll never improve,change see the error of your ways and on the positive- you'll never realised you've achieved something, or made someone happy... Sometimes it takes what someone thinks to improve you for the better..


But this of course is my opinion. And not a cry for attention nor acceptance. I don't cry to anyone, and I have wrote some pretty emo blogs in the past, It embarrasses me at the thought of people reading them but at the same time it felt wicked to get it out of me so that it doesn't come out in another form such as snapping at somebody or being emotionally wrecked for the next time I deal with something.

"Don't have issues, It wastes Tissues" haha I should def write lyrics.

Will We Ever Learn?

They say you can't teach a dog new tricks, ok, so I'm not referring to the human race & our society as a dog, but you have to see where I'm coming from. Take a moment & think about this.. If we are the dominant highly evolved species why is it that we continue to make the same dismal mistakes as the generations before us?

When you are involved in something it has consequences- you generally learn the cause & effect of such actions, when a dog does something bad it is punished & it quiet quickly learns that if it participates in such behaviour it will be hurt. Now, if a dog can learn, then why haven't we?

World war 1, world war 2, the war in Iraq, the extremely naieve autocratic Tsarist system of Russia, The 3rd world countries that exist today despite how modernised and advanced the world has become. Is it in our nature as human beings to beleive it will be different this time?

Wars are generally started from a minor spark that ignites because of the petrol doused issues before hand just waiting to explode. Countries are bound by contracts stating loyalties and allies to other countries in the event of a war. WWI began when the assasination of a man who was from one country that was seen to be trying to take over another country, when this event occured another different country not involved agreed to back up & help this country resulting in a domino effect activating alliances with certain countries hence the activation of world war one. The alliances drawn into war had nothing to do with the event that sparked the world war.

Hearing this now personally makes me shake my head & scoff at the stupidity of it all, especially now we know the devestation that ensues war to countries, families, the economy etc, but the most astounding fact is that this was WWI, thats right, even after the devastation caused and seen due to WWI, there were still yet to be many more wars throughout the years.

Is it Greed, pride, envy, the right thing to do..? Anyone can justify themselves in what they are doing. Prehaps to them they see it as a necessary means to an end yet it is inevidable that you will come up against or cross paths with someone who beleives there way is the right way yet is totally opposite to your own views & opinions.

The wars within ones personal life, insignifigant to other people & tiny in the scheme of things, however so massive as it shapes a person & there decisions in there everyday life.

For instance- Addiction- how many million people past, present and still to come will succumb to drug addiction or alcoholism? As a young adult we are taught the dangers and effects of drugs & alcohol yet I have seen people, as I'm sure you have also, wether it be yourself or others around you, who know the same as we do yet have done or still to this day do what they know is bad for them. People who make mistakes when they're drunk & are ashamed of them. However repeat the same routine the very next weekend even after identifying the problem occurs whilst innebriated.

Relationships & trust - Assuming we all have known or been around someone who is in a toxic relationship. From the outside you wonder how on earth someone could keep on going back to this relationship, or when something does go wrong nyou are there to pick up the pieces only to find out shortly after that they are back in said "toxic relationship".

This isn't my answer to the meaning of life but rather a few rhetorical questions, does it all boil down to personality types & how we clash with each others ideoligies. Why does it seem to matter so much to people to be agreed with?

In hindsight can you beleive how Adolf Hitler was able to get away with the extermination of human lives & that others actually agreed or let it happen nonetheless?

Global warming is at an all time high yet we are building bigger higher powered jet engines- high performanced V8 racing cars, do we have the mind set that it won't happen to us? The saying bad things happen for a reason and the reason usually is lessons to be learnt so as to not repeat the mistake. I hoped by now is some aspects of life the more powerful people of the world like the governments would have learnt from the previous mistakes throughout history. Maybe all humans are silly enough to believe they will somehow prevail at what others once failed. If so, it's hard to be excited by the future. How do we pick the right thing to do, and who determines what is right?

Do humans as it is time to make important choices that affect our everyday lives and our future have the attitude and belief that that they will be lucky or special enough to achieve what those before us failed at? The saying 'it won't happen to me", needs to be emphasised to those starting there lives and the decisions they will start making ,that it is a mythical sarcastic fairytale saying. Open your eyes people, if the signs are there that something is not right then you're probably right.

If you have an idea, a will, a way or what you are trying to achieve you need to keep in mind that your not the only person who feels like this. Everything has a reaction & consequences to follow. At the end of the day, the end of the war or the morning after- the mistakes that were made, was it really worth it?

I do not have an explanation nor a view but I have made an observation from my life & the way things are. You could be doing the right thing yet totally the wrong thing in someone elses eyes. The world around us obviously needs something to emerge that hasn't already, something to fix it, something that ALL will agree on, something that benefits equally and does not hurt anyone in the process. Please ask yourself this, will we ever learn & exactly what is it we need to learn?

Intruder alert.

TO ANYONE WHO HAS EVER BEEN PLAYED
THE MALICE YOU FEEL IN BEING BETRAYED
BECAUSE EVERYTHING THAT YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW
ENDED UP BEING SO UNTRUE
I HATE YOU SO MUCH FOR KEEPING ME AS YOURS
OUR HISTORY HAS BEEN ALL THIS TIME
THE AFTERMATH & ESCAPE FROM YOUR CRIME.





Everything is not okay
Keep straight ahead, push through your day
Trying not to get stuck in it all
Can't afford another fall.

Ignore that nagging voice inside
The one that says
"Give up, I tried."
The further you go
The longer way it will all be
..but do not stop, not until your free.

Keep straight ahead and push on through
I know this means avoiding you
Everything could be okay
Void you from my every day
So here in my hand I have been holding this key
Ready when I am, to set us free

Sitting clutching at uselessness
Striving for something that don't exist
I care to much to say I don't
I say I'll leave, I know I won't

Disgusted by my own cliche'
Deep down I knew but you never would say
Begging me back so many times
There was no evidence of your crimes
I saw it when i looked at you
Your eyes told me what I knew was true

I can't describe what all of this means
That you kept this everyday from me
Knowing if I knew that I would leave
My life was not yours to decide
Convincing me the more you lied.

Of all the fun I thought was had
Once happy memories, now so sad
Because in reality you were always in disguise
Alot of things done were to cover your lies.

The life & love that was me & you
The one you said that it was true
For all the things you put me through
In the end I found out from her
Not from you.

Never Turn Your Back On The Ocean.

I had the nicest swim at Scarborough beach today, alas..my prada sunglasses are still having the nicest swim ie; a wave crashed on my head and when i came to surface..my sunglasses did not.

-Bye Bye $420. My weekend was pretty good, I had a 21st of a school friend whom I hadn't seen in a while..ALOT of old friends were there..it was good to see everybody again.. This is the year of the 21st birthday party..I have had one the last 3 weekends in a row an the next 2 weekends to come..YEEEEEW.

So some of my girlfriends were in leedy..I have like 3 missed calls when i check my phone and 4 msgs along the lines of "come now need your help.." I tried calling to see what the problem was and couldn't get a hold of anyone so left the party with my friends to make our way to leedy...now the party was at Athena soccer club in Leederville so at the opposite end of leederville basically.. We decided to walk to oxford st and try to get a taxi rather than wait for one (at this stage i am trying to get there a.s.a.p-thought my girls had been in a fight or something)

After like 800 mtrs in my $250 boots we come to a fence..2 and a half mtrs tall with 3 rows of barbed wire ..My friend somehow slid underneath this fence so i tried the same but some certain aspects of myself did not fit..so I didn't want to rip my pretty new dress climbing over the fence..I did what any respectable women would do..I took off my dress & climbed over in my under ware.. I'd love to have known what it looked like to someone driving past..quiet a site I should imagine..

Eventually after some fence climbing & bush walking (britannia oval is huge, okay!?) we get to Leederville...the emergency... My friend had lost her bag..

Okay..I can appreciate the nuisance of the situation..but making a mayday call with msgs to follow..knowing I'm the friend that I am..that I would come running..so I left the 21st with my mates to come along because I said I needed to help out a friend to arrive and find it's nothing much..

The next day I confronted her when she was sober to tell her how I scaled fences and oceans (okay not oceans) to get to her & it just be a ridiculous thing that didn't need me there at all.. It just is another nail in the coffin of my social life that is telling me to seek elsewhere.. The stupid drama's.. I can't put into words how little respect I have for some people in my life..

If you don't have respect for someone what do you have for them..? I want people in my life to inspire me, motivate me..

Cause Now That I Can See You, I Don't Think You're Worth A Second Glance.

"Disconnect myself from your memory & never feel anything at all.."

In conclusion to my previous blog..I have an empty pit in my stomach from him again...the kind where it hurts to breath & your throat is numb and you feel queasy...

So after what I said yesterday I decided to confront him & lay it all out - if we're going to do this, I want no lies, nothing that is going to surface in a few months time whilst I'm living my life that is going to floor me...

Everything came out.

"Keep straight ahead & keep my pace..don't think about nothing & it'll be alright.."

...I can't complain about this..It is my own risk I was prepared to take..Thank goodness for my gut instinct, It has never failed me whereas my heart seems to lead me into these sticky situations leaving my stomach churning..stressing myself to the point of illness whilst telling myself all if well..


My heart & OUR relationship was not for him to decide. I should have known all the facts & it be left up to me to decide what to do..how dare he (it's not like I didn't know he had this in him..it's not the first or second or third time he's lied to me) stand there and cry & say he loves me.

I loved your charade. I loved the person you pretended to be in front of me.

The saddest thing is..you have so many different versions of yourself that the truthful one of who you are is the one that stood in front of me shaking & crying & begging...

I didn't ask to be your mountain.. I wasn't yours to conquer..

"Don't look back in anger, now is all that you can say...cause angers all I got to keep me warm while your away...& all your words & all your actions don't mean anything to me...cause I've cut you off...."

It really is baffling to me that after the conclusion I came to yesterday & spoke about, it all comes crumbling down around me within that day..it is almost like a soap opera.

Turn your heart ache into something worth while..rise above your struggles & turn it into a story..

I am a believer in signs & this to me is just another one that is kind of a nice peaceful thought for me that I am usually right when I read someone..I guess my capacity & belief that everyone deserves a second chance will always stand..everyone does..but at this stage..this was your final show for me..curtain call...you reached out cause you knew I would listen & the fact of this matter is that's how you play your game.

I am not your game..& never will I be...

ONESTA' means honesty in Italian- you got the tattoo on your arm because you cheated on me there...but then I find there is more...Most people where there heart on there sleeve whereas your heart is broken..on your sleeve...right next to a permanent reminder for the rest of your life as to why I am not yours...

"Here we stand & face each other we've got nothing to say...A fight back in another time where silence was a welcome friend... I'm sorry I can't really say, all the things going on inside my head, silence is a justified expression of my war..now nothings like it was before"

"Swing For The Fences Son.." He Must of Told You Once?

If you love something, set it free & if it comes back to you it's yours...?

I've just come out of a major family discussion- basically they want me home before 11pm Sunday through Thursday.. I get where there coming from but I believe it's because they have the wrong idea of me..I'm not out partying..I'm not doing drugs..I'm not sleeping with 7 different men each week...the men should be so lucky baha.

I have a very opinionated family..therefore everybody believes they are right and there way is the only way...I try explaining your view matters to you- it does not make it right- it does not make it wrong- it is your opinion...I got scorned for comparing my fathers view to Hitlers view- "Just because Hitler believed Jews should be killed he was right.." Now don't get me wrong..I'm not insane- basically what I was trying to get across is that even when you are so obviously out of line or wrong to others - if you believe it- it is right to you...

I am back with a man that did not treat me right at all..he cheated on me, degraded me, disrespected me..talked shit about me to his mates..the final straw for me was finding him at his friends 15hrs after he was supposed to meet me in leederville at a house surrounded by topless skimpies- on a Sunday afternoon... And you're thinking what the fuck are you doing back with this person..? Well...he has had an interesting life to say the least..i fully see the potential in him & know he has a good heart..( i can see everyone rolling there eyes at this cliche' story) He has never been given direction or discipline and when it comes down to it he does not know better.. He wants to change & I think he can.. My family & friends think I'm nuts or just a masochist..I know what I know & have seen this from ways no one has or could understand.. Loving someone to me..is not about when it's all good & fun..it's sticking by them through thick & thin & helping if you can..I'm not a retard..I know a lost cause when I see one..There is hope & I will not turn my back on a friend. I can handle pain...I believe life doesn't dish out anything we cannot handle..I can handle.

I moved out of home when I was 16...to a small town down south to move into a home with my first boyfriend whom was 7 yrs my Senior...After a yr I packed my things and drove home..It was an awful lonely time in my life but I learnt alot..I know not to believe the things I used to & that is why I know what I am doing..I suppose I am trying to get this out because it is the worst feeling when the people sitting in front of you do not understand you or where you're coming from..I'm disappointed to say that this is the story of most of my relationships..I used to constantly doubt myself & sometimes wonder if the world is seeing things through different eyes to mine..?

How often when you're doing something or going through something do you realise it for what it is...I say- whilst growing up & learning..you rarely do at the time & it takes a while to sink in an see something for what it is.

I set him free...tried to get on with my life..started another dysfunctional relationship...walked out of my job & then almost died..I seem to have a few hurdles in my way but it's nothing I can't handle. I know I'm destined for big things.. I can handle humiliation..I don't care what people think of me now because I am me, I'm rare & once day everything will be okay..until then I am enjoying this roller coaster of a life I sometimes am ashamed to call my own..

He somehow is still around and still pops out & it is a sign that I need to help him..I am not some psycho who See's it as a fun makeover project.. We seem to come across each other..he can open up with me & I am the only one who he seems to listen too...I don't want him to spiral out of sight into the life of drugs & alcohol & be a "he had so much potential" story...

It is better to burn out than to fade away. Isn't it?

Blah.

Happy new year..

It's to hard today to put into words the events of the past week & a half..

I will write in time when I've come to some conclusions...

Too much angry babble will ensue if I try now.